Sometimes I am just overwhelmed by the strife in the world, the chaos and tragedy in my own life. There are so many things that go on both near and far that hurt my heart, every day, that I wish I didn’t feel so much sometimes. But then, I’m glad I feel as much as I do. I know some people who never know or care what’s going on outside of their own world and it’s very hard for me to relate to people like that.
I have so much going on in my brain that I went to a scheduled doctor appointment this morning only to figure out when I arrived and they said my appointment was next week, that I had gone to the wrong facility to see the wrong doctor, and thus completely missed my appointment at the other facility. I am usually a pretty organized person and pride myself on not running late or missing appointments like this, so it means things are getting pretty chaotic. I don’t know if it’s internal, mental chaos or just the normal busy/tired stuff. I scheduled a free appointment with a mental health counselor to try to sort things out in my addled brain, but I forget when it is! ha ha ha! sort of.
Last night I got to see people who make me happy; people who are creative and crazy and angsty like me. This does my soul good, even if it makes my body tired to be out past 10 on a weeknight. I don’t think I had any obsessive thoughts about how we’re all going to die the whole time I was there. And I made some good connections and had some good conversation. I got clarity on two painful issues from my past, I made dates with people for various things and was even approached about a possible acting job, all of which are Good Things. I also may have a line on some side income, so that’s also hopeful. As things get busier, they generally make me happier, but also require increased efficiency and organization. I’ve never been more organized than the times in my life when I worked two jobs at once (three, for a few months there, but that was crazy). If you want to get any real things done like laundry and cleaning and seeing your Mom, you have to get very organized or else things just fly around and you are chasing them all the time, and apologizing for fuck-ups like being late or missing appointments or going to the wrong doctor.
I need to put my heart away for a while and bring out my brain. Shit’s getting complicated.