change and the hard road through

My son talks more and more like an adult; his sentence structure and word choice is astounding. He is also dropping his nap, and is a fucking nightmare of a hair-trigger temper alternating with a joyous, touching wonder. The back and forth, sometimes within minutes, can be exhausting. He can fly into a rage just because his pasta has sauce (that he enjoyed a week before), or because you got out a shirt for him to wear that he doesn’t like. The WHINING alone is enough to drive me crazy. I cannot tolerate the whining and the clenched fists, so my son spent a lot of time in time out this weekend. And then last night, he asked me to put on Donald O’Connor’s routine to “Make ‘Em Laugh” from “Singing in the Rain,” which he has not requested for a long, long time. He literally watched the screen and then physically tried to mimic each bit of the routine, singing along as best one can at 4.5 years old, complete with pratfalls and spinning around on the floor and other improvised moves not in the original routine. He was laughing the whole time he did it, so filled with joy and the spirit of improv and all I could do was think, “No! You’re supposed to be a doctor! Stop having a natural theatrical inclination!” There is clearly little I can do about it. My son is going to be a pirate this year for Halloween, and circumstances may dictate that we find some place outside to trick or treat for the first time; there is no TOT at my apartment complex, and I feel a little weird driving over to an adjacent neighborhood where I don’t know anyone just to take my kid to TOT, but we may not be able to attend the one at my job this year, where we have gone since he was a baby, and he’s very excited about being a pirate. We collect a ton of candy and then I take it to a homeless youth shelter, keeping only a small amount for him. This year, I’m taking him to the shelter with me so he can see where it goes and how happy those kids are to get the candy.

This Fall is bringing change, as it always does. I have been told I need yet more surgery on another part of me, this time my nose. It hasn’t even been a full year since my last surgery (bunionectomy). I am really quite reluctant to fuck with my face in any fashion. I really don’t want my nose getting messed up or a face full of bruises (and hey, if I have to have a face full of bruises, I would prefer it be because someone is lifting my chin and eyebrows and sucking the fat out of my cheeks and smoothing out my forehead, but I have no money for a face lift, so never mind). It’s not an emergency, and it’s up to me when I get it done, but I’m going to continue to get sinus infections until I have it done. And even possibly afterwards, though that is a much smaller chance than what I’m going on now, which is one every approximately two months from September through April. So I have to figure that out.

Despite a chronic case of plantar fasciitis, I have tentatively returned to running, with a max of once per week and 3 miles, or else the body starts to complain. As these outings have been few, each one is very, very hard, and I can’t really walk right the next day because my foot is fucked up, but I love doing it so much it’s hard not to. I have found that weaving in yoga as often as I can possibly do it is very helpful, so I am resolved to trying to do that. I still have not completed my PT for my knees; the appointments keep having to get moved and moved and moved because of unexpected overtime at my job, but I have a feeling once I finish up these 3 remaining, they will turn me loose and say the rest of the rehab is on you. So I’m working on it.

I also cook even more in the rain and cloudy/cold than I do in the summer, so that is ramping up. I cooked so much shit this weekend, I felt like I was working in a restaurant. I must have lost three pounds in water weight just due to the sweating. And am pinning recipes like crazy; soon the CSA will end and I will be left to my own devices as to what to buy and make, which will be freeing but also tends to result in me giving up and ordering pizza sometimes. I do better with a little direction – I’m an actor.

There is possibly more change on the horizon. I am looking for the path forward, and trying to keep my head above water.

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