Back to life, back to reality

Haven’t been able to blog since OCTOBER of last year for God’s sake. Fixing that now. I spent a couple of months with a lot of other writing comittments so I don’t really feel like I neglected writing, I was just writing for other people instead of for myself. The end of 2013 was a whirlwind and blew in a lot of change that’s already becoming evident here at the beginning of the second month of 2014. Despite all the potholes, I feel I’m on a journey forward and up, and have my eyes and arms open to see and embrace whatever changes are coming.

The boy will turn 5 in May. This seems impossible, yet I am already making plans for his party since these things have to be done well in advance with a life as busy as mine is. He’s in this really, really energetic phase that’s extremely exhausting and somewhat exasperating. At the end of a weekend day spent with him, I feel like I’ve run a marathon, and anything I intended to do in terms of working out, cooking, or even just taking a shower seems impossible, too much effort. This is also the part of the winter where I basically feel like hibernating and eating a pound of cheese every day, so that doesn’t help matters. I just keep moving forward, even if it’s at a snail’s pace.

Speaking of birthdays, mine is this week and it’s hard not to feel the age on this one. My fingers and knuckles ache from arthritis, as does my back. My skin is dry and the wrinkles more apparent. Days of dancing, carefree in the sun, listening to music and breathing deep gasps of warm air seem so far away right now. I miss the grass and the sound of leaves. I even miss Lake Erie. I spent more time close to (or sometimes on) the lake last year than I ever did, and I miss the sound of the waves. A few years ago, I went to Canada on vacation, back when I still could take vacations, and rented a small cottage right on the lake, I mean RIGHT on it. You walk out into the backyard and walked right up to some big rocks, and there it was. I sat out in the chairs the cottage owners had put near the rocks every single day, reading magazines, watching birds, or was up doing yoga next to the water, which somehow makes me feel connected to the earth. It seems so long ago. I hate that I feel I’m reaching such big physical limits so relatively early in life because of various injuries and maladies. I continue to fight them. My young son needs a mother who can react quickly, who move with him as often and as long as he’ll let me move next to him, as we did together in improv dance class last month. Improv is really the best type of class for both of us. We don’t fit comfortably into molds, and the time we have to spend in them makes us both antsy. Improv is freeing and there is no wrong, so it’s good energy for us to move around in, as it’s so accepting.

I live at the top of the block
No more room for trouble and fuss
Need a change, a positive change
Look, it’s me writing on the wall


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