taxes gonna break my back, I swear

“Don’t you know I pay a lot more than my share?
I hate taxes”

– Robert Cray, “1040 Blues”

Did the taxes last night. Honestly, my complaint isn’t so much about the fact that we have to pay taxes, but that it’s so fucking complicated, difficult and stupid to do so. Something that everyone is required to do shouldn’t be so TAXING, HA HA, in my opinion.

My taxes aren’t even that complicated. But I am terrible, TERRIBLE at math. In my twenties, I often had multiple jobs and occasionally up to a dozen W-2s and 1099s. One year, I made a terrible, awful error and somehow managed to completely omit declaring a chunk of my income, even though I had the W-2 in the stack along with all the others. I didn’t even know I overlooked it, but boy the IRS sure did, even though it took them two years to figure it out. By then, not only did I owe the original amount I didn’t pay, but an assload of penalties and fines and such, which they garnished my wages to pay for until the debt was satisfied. After that, I started going to H&R Block, which is sort of like an experience at the BMV multiplied by a thousand. You are there FOREVER. The person doing your taxes is HORRIBLY SLOW, doesn’t care that they are slow, and then they charge you a shitload of money and you leave feeling defeated and broke. This was excruciating. A few years ago, I finally decided to try Turbo Tax. Try it, they said, it will be easy, they said. It walks you through everything, they said.

Even the easiest program regarding math and taxes can be confounding when you have a brain like mine. I dread, dread, dread this process every year, and usually try to get it over as soon as possible. The goddamned thing asks you so many questions, some of them over and over again, that you start to feel like you’re some kind of loser.

ARE YOU SURE YOU AREN’T A HOMEOWNER? YOU ARE MISSING OUT ON VALUABLE DEDUCTIONS IF YOU ARE A HOMEOWNER. NO? ARE YOU REALLY, REALLY SURE YOU DON’T OWN A HOME? OR DIDN’T OWN ONE FOR PART OF THE TIME?

NO FOREIGN TRUSTS? NO STOCK DIVIDENDS TO DECLARE? WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF LOSER, KEEPING ALL YOUR MONEY IN THE BANK?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T HAVE ANY RETIREMENT INTEREST TO DECLARE? DO YOU WANT US TO START AN IRA FOR YOU? IT WOULD BE SUPER EASY AND QUICK AND YOU REALLY NEED TO START SAVING, YOU’RE GETTING UP THERE, YOU KNOW. JUST CLICK THIS BUTTON HERE TO GET STARTED. NO? YOU’RE NO SPRING CHICKEN, YOU KNOW. WHAT, YOU THINK THAT KID OF YOURS IS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF YOU WHEN YOU’RE OLD?

JUST CHECKING HERE, ARE YOU REALLY, REALLY SURE YOU DON’T OWN A HOME? OR SOME OTHER TYPE OF REAL ESTATE?

SSA MSA HSA INT MISC 1099 SCHEDULE C HDHP. WHAT’S A MATTER, CAN’T YOU READ? CHECK THE FUCKING BOXES, BITCH, I’M TRYING TO WALK YOU THROUGH IT. JESUS, YOU’RE STUPID. YOU DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH YOUR HEALTH CARE DEDUCTIBLE IS?

MY ONLY REMAINING ACRONYM FOR YOU IS SMH.

Apple and tree being what they are, I’m going to encourage my son to marry an accountant.

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