It’s been an exhausting weekend, and more juggling of work and complicated personal stuff during business hours ahead for me this week. I did get some “me” time this weekend in various pockets and iterations, all of which were very much needed and enjoyed fully.
My mom seems to be doing better in some ways, but in other ways I want to be clear with her doctor how she is pretending to be better and not actually better, but we have not been able to connect. Suburban hospitals in small, specialty wards are not like big, urban hospitals; you can’t just call and talk to whatever doctor is on duty right now; the doctor only comes in once a day and after that there’s nobody to talk to but the nurses. I’m concerned they will release her before they’ve made her understand and agree to why she is in there, but at some point I can only do so much. So I need to spend a lot of time tomorrow sending POA forms and making calls to various places to try to put some things in place. Work is being very nice and understanding, but they are backlogged and really need my help and I am the only writer, so there is a ton of work to do and I’m not comfortable taking any more time off until whenever they decide to release my mom. It’s really hard to get up to speed on a new job when you are calling 800 people all day.
This afternoon I think everything really hit me physically like a ton of bricks. I felt like my mind and body were leaden and felt sick to my stomach from stress, and I never really came out of that feeling and am going to bed early. I’m feeling graspy and panicky. One minute very take charge and in control and organized and the next I just want to run away. I’m also getting angry; at my mom, her doctors who have been overprescribing bad combinations of things for a 71 year old lady, at mom’s relatives and friends for their constant badgering. I snapped at my son just because he knocked over a glass of lemonade. I apologized later and today we played a lot in the park by the waterfall, throwing rocks and sticks in the water, plus I let him eat as many potato chips as he wanted so I’m pretty sure he forgives me.
When my neediness turns to anger I can get more done, but not always nicely. This is why my friends are tough people. Some who are very close to me can see this and will go out with me and knock back a couple of bourbons with me and let me rant, agreeing with me about what’s wrong in the world, then holding me for a bit when I need that, making me laugh when I really need it, and keeping in touch with me so often that they don’t let me cover myself entirely with my shell, which is a good thing.
I’m lucky to have that much support and love, I know. I feel a bit bad for tapping it, but I need it now, and am grateful it’s there.