Now I’m mad

I guess you could say I’ve been going through a whole “stages of grief” thing about what’s gone on with my Mom. And apparently this stage is anger. I’m angry at hospitals, doctors, my Mom, everyone.

Doctors at both hospitals insisted that the medication mania (hey, Medication Mania would be a good band name) and dementia “unmasked” existing bi-polar disorder. I personally don’t think you just come down with bi-polar at age 71, and argued with all the providers about this but they swore up and down that’s what was wrong, and how she’d have to be treated for that basically forever. This diagnosis seemed to be primarily based on a single other episode like this (well, not like this, not even close, but a little similar) more than 25 years ago, when she was ALSO TAKING THE SAME MEDS THAT MADE HER ACT CRAZY THIS TIME. But they wouldn’t hear me, and insisted they knew best.

A few days ago, at her first follow-up visit with the psychiatrist, she told the doctor she didn’t think anything was wrong with her and she wanted to get off the medication they’ve had her on as she didn’t like the side effects. He apparently completely agrees, at least that’s what she told me, and they are stepping her down off the meds until she’s completely off them. And now my Mom is impatient about the “stepping down” and refused to get the entire prescription filled, because the doctor can’t have meant for her to take this new dose for a whole 30 days, so she only got half of the pills and is going to follow up with her regular doctor, and how don’t they know it’s $40 each time she has to get it filled, and blah blah blah.

I am just so fucking over all of this shit. I have had it. I am super fucking irritated with her. That this happened at all, the whole, nasty business, that I can’t find a doctor who is responsive and seems to know what the fuck they are doing and stick with their own diagnosis, that my Mom is deciding how many pills to take, all of it.

I have been avoiding her. And I feel guilty about that and then angry about the guilt. I don’t even want to see her or deal with this anymore and I know that’s not the right way to do things. She is acting more normal, sure, but what am I supposed to believe? That I was right all along and it was just the meds, and she’ll get off them and be totally fine? Even though they argued with me, even vehemently, that that wasn’t the case? That she knows what she is doing and can handle this? I can’t control her. She’s an adult with her own life and her own decision-making skills and there’s just not that much I can do about it.

I’m honestly just disgusted and I don’t even want to see her. I went over there for a visit yesterday and I find I’m just analyzing every single thing I look at to see if it’s “normal” or not. Is that smiling, silly-faced watering can something she had “before?” Or is this part of the weirdness coming back. Is she not talking to her best friend because they sometimes go through periods of time when they do this? Or is she being irrational. I don’t know. And I don’t know how to move forward.

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