The Leave-Taking

“Let the world burn through you. Throw the prism light, white hot, on paper.” Blog title and quote attribution: Ray Bradbury

Fall is a time of change, and it also is for me. I’m running a 5K early tomorrow morning, which is likely to be my last for some time as my leg-related injuries have once again roared to life and, after tomorrow, will overtake my will to push them away by pounding the pavement or riding a bike or trying to fix them through strength training or stretching or foam rolling. I’m going to get an MRI of my leg next week, as I think a good deal of the problems could be attributed to a damaged biceps femoris muscle, a muscle deep in the thigh that wraps around the outside of the knee to help stabilize it. Maybe this will give us some answers. After three years of not even being able to sit in a chair or crouch down without pain, let alone walk or run, maybe we can get a plan of action that works. I hope so. Tomorrow’s weather is supposed to be at least relatively warm, a last gasp of summer saying goodbye before Mabon, the equinox, which also brings change. It is an interesting time.

So I will leave my small son very early tomorrow, not to see him until tomorrow night. He crawled into my bed at 4:00 a.m. this morning and when I got up for the day an hour and a half later, he seemed so small and incredible laying there. It’s still so hard to believe I made that boy, that I carried him in me after three years of failure and lots of expensive procedures. I know I am so lucky, and that he is the best thing that has ever happened to me in my whole life. I just want to do right by him and it’s not always a straightforward and clear path in moving forward. Sometimes you zig and zag and it looks like you’re lost but you have to just keep going, as there is a clearing on the other side.

Sunday will be a complex day of change, the beginning of a journey down a new path. 2014 is not done with me yet, and I’m just trying to live through the challenges the best that I can, every day, sometimes each hour, each minute, just to take steps forward and look for that clearing that I know is there somewhere, if I just persevere.

Stress is a great weight loss aid. I have lost 12 pounds, which is pretty significant on my small frame, and hope the downward trend is able to continue. It’s hard with the cold and bad weather impending, which only makes me want to stay inside and eat cheesy chili and watch movies. But I won’t be doing those things.

I’m immersing myself in things to distract my mind and keep it active. Getting back to writing for starters – besides this blog of course, and have started a very, very difficult self-teaching course in Greek. There are many duties to attend to now that I’m on the PTA, including the events I have agreed to plan for them, which are coming up in early November. So much to do. Perhaps Fall is giving my body a break and trying to focus on my mind. Whither the heart? Buried deep somewhere. You can’t come out right now.

 

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