Awakening

The kid and I both slept like crap last night. I was so, so tired all evening that I went to bed early, and then decided to go get him and bring him in with me as he had asked. Then he tossed and turned, and so did I, and after a few hours of that I decided to put him back in his bed, around midnight. He woke up at 3am and asked for water, and to come in, and I explained neither one of us were sleeping very well and I thought he should stay in his own bed. Then he got up at 4am and asked if we could get up for the day. NO. I’m up, finally, and he is still sleeping – pretty late for him, but I’m not going to disturb him until or unless I have to. His Dad is coming to get him at 10 and then I have a lot to do.

I’m paying for the race now, in that my foot and lower leg are both really sore. Like, limping sore, so any more running for a while is out. This coinciding with a week-long eating fest is not the best combination. I’ve got to put a lid on all this eating and at least do some lifting today or all my hard work to lose a little weight will be undone.

MY family got together for Thanksgiving yesterday, my third such celebration this week. We never all get together like this and I’m glad we did. I almost never see my cousins, and I found myself sitting at the table with one of them and asking how old he was. How did the pothead who lived in my aunt’s basement get to be a 53-year-old, gray-haired man? How did my baby-faced second cousin have a baby already? My cousin is a grandmother to the tiny, cherub-faced baby boy bringing joy to everyone yesterday, and she’s my age. I know an increasing number of people my age are grandmothers, and it feels almost like they are living in some other kind of universe to me, as I have a kid who spends an hour playing with batman and pirates, who still needs help with his socks and his zippers. I guess I’m late to the party, which is ok by me, I’m just glad to be here, move over and pour me some wine.

2014 is almost over and I don’t think I’ve seen a year with such upheaval and personal change since the year I moved back from Los Angeles. Some of it is very exciting, some of it has me hanging on to the merry-go-round horse for dear life as I didn’t know the thing would spin that fast. It’s been hard, disappointing, exhilarating, and filled with rediscovery of who I am, what I like, how hard I can push myself, what I deserve, and how to be happier. The middle-aged me is the same me, but so different. In some ways, I’m less patient as I’m acutely aware there is less time ahead of me. That includes being less patient with myself, but also less tolerant of mistreatment by others. I’m pushing and stretching and bending the dough and perhaps taking out some of my frustration on it as well. I want better and more, to feel and experience every day of this life and the discoveries within it. Others have trudged ahead of me and left snowy footprints for me to follow, but I am blazing a big trail overtop their tracks.

“Going where I list, my own master, total and absolute…

All seems beautiful to me;

I can repeat over to men and women, You have done such good to me, I would do the same to you,

I will recruit for myself and you as I go;

I will scatter myself among men and women as I go;

I will toss the new gladness and roughness among them;

Whoever denies me, it shall not trouble me…”

– Walt Whitman, “Song of the Open Road”

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