I feel like I’ve been running nonstop for about four months now, and it’s really taking a toll on me, mentally and physically. Injuries and illnesses are taking longer to heal from, and my emotional life zings around like a metal ball being binged and dinged around the inside of a pinball machine. Just when I come to rest, someone pulls the lever and I’m off again; the job, the kid, my Mom, the Things That Need Done, all of them.
I can’t remember the last time I was in a full-length play, it’s been so many years ago now. And that makes me sad. I haven’t gotten an article published in a year, which also sucks. It’s even longer since I took a real vacation, the kind where it’s not just a weekend where you tack on a day, but maybe a solid week off from work. Except for recovering from surgery, I don’t think I’ve had solid time off like that since 2007, which is kind of a long time.
When my son isn’t around, I find I’m less inclined to take care of myself. As if taking care of him makes me also want to take care of myself. I skip eating, as it’s too much bother. I work out when I shouldn’t – when I’m injured and sick, making injuries and sickness worse. I drink too much for a weeknight and then drag ass all the next day. I realized the other night I didn’t even have the energy to take a bath, it just seemed like too much effort to get up and run the water and everything. If I had some sort of servant, and they drew me a bath, I would take it, but I’m not going to do all that shit myself. Or if I had a cook and they made me some dinner, I would eat it, but on my own? Nah. And then I get to places like tonight, where I have to take D for the evening and overnight as his father has a work event until late, and I realize I have very little food at home out of which I can make him a nutritious dinner. Even less that I could put together packed breakfast and lunch for the next morning. I’ll have to try to go to a grocery at lunch today and pick up a few things, only to have to shop all over again on Sunday as I will have him all next week and really have to lay in some food and planning, so that his three meals a day and various snacks are covered.
I’m just tired, and I want someone to take care of me.
That’s whiny, and I know I have no business whining, compared to a lot of people’s problems. But there it is. Oh my, Christmas is in less than three weeks. Must do something about that.