If Dreams Were Lightning and Thunder Was Desire

I think I was out of everything in the world in terms of food. I cleaned out the organic grocery store, and my wallet, but that’s ok, there will plenty for me and my boy to eat this week. I’m roasting some chicken right now, and tomorrow morning will make beef stew, homemade spaghetti sauce with Italian sausage and meatballs, some homemade applesauce and some black beans in the crock pot. His lunches have been coming back half-eaten at best, so I’m going to make them a little more fun while still being healthy, so I bought some new and different things, and some of his favorites, to mix it up a little and make it a little more tapas-based (or bento box if you want to call it that) and less sandwich/side/veg/fruit. I enjoy making his lunches even though it adds time to the morning. I don’t like doing it ahead of time because I wouldn’t want to eat stuff that sat in the fridge all night cut up and getting dried out. I get up earlier on the weeks I have him so there’s time for me to pack for him as well as for me, and to make coffee and such before we rush out the door into the cold.

It was an unusually warm day here for mid-January. I knew it was coming, and tried to plan my day around running at the warmest, sunniest time of the day. I did a ton of cleaning this morning, and the kind of organizing that makes your mind feel a little more settled, but there’s so much more to do. After all the chores, I had a leisurely, sort of late breakfast and then went back to bed with a book for awhile. Then I got up and went out for that run. I managed 8 miles again, the second time ever I’ve run that far, and tried hard to run much faster today than last week’s 8, since the path was 99% clear of ice and snow and everything was thawing. It was gorgeous out, and I thought of a friend of mine whose chemo made him sick enough today that he couldn’t run the 10K he signed up for, and so I was determined to get 6 in for him, if not more. I miss trail running, which is less hard on my body than pounding on the street or a paved path like the one where I normally run, but I don’t have the gear for running in deep snow and cold, numb feet is not a happy place for me. It was warm enough actually that I stripped down to 2 lightweight shirts and tied my lightweight jacket around my waist. “Take it easy,” I kept telling myself. I thought about form and trying to make these journeys easy on my body, working with gravity and momentum instead of pounding in opposition to it. My body’s engine has been on the rest of the day, I can feel it in my flushed face.

I felt pretty beat up when I got done, and man do you stink after running that long. I don’t stink like that after a 5K, at least, not so I’ve noticed. So I quaffed a whole bunch of cold coffee, took 2 ibuprofen and a quick shower and then went back out to watch a gorgeous sunset on my drive down to the grocery, which is a good distance away but worth the drive. We’re getting light for a longer time, for sure.

I didn’t even realize I hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast until I got home and unpacked the food. I ate an entire can of tuna salad that I threw together right quick with some mayo and capers, and ate some of the salad I bought at the store deli, with artichokes, feta, red pepper and cuke. It was eminently satisfying and I feel fortunate to be here in a warm space, the smell of incense burning and chicken roasting. But this couch and my heart are empty, and tonight I long for company.

I’m glad that little bony boy will be here tomorrow. Maybe I can get him interested in hanging in bed with his old mom under the electric blanket and looking at recipes on Pinterest, a favorite pastime of ours before “rest,” which is what we call nap now, since he “no longer needs naps.” I’m almost 46 and I still love naps.

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