Rock and Roll Heart

Just shy of three hours of PTA meetings tonight. First, the “executive board” met. I am not on the board, but am an invited member because I head a “committee,” if one person is a committee – I am the planner of the dinners the night of parent-teacher conferences. Which are coming up in just a few weeks. When I agreed to take this on last summer, it was with a co-planner who was going to spearhead most of the up-front work and then I would just show up and help her work the dinners. Well, she’s out now so it’s all me, and I need to get cracking. It’s really hard to plan to feed 50 people on almost no money, and I work full-time and have a lot going on outside of work, so it’s triple the difficulty in trying to carve out time and mental energy for this. But I got the Pres to send around a sign-up sheet for volunteers at the larger, general meeting, and I have a few people who should be able to show up and help out. I just need to do the rest. Must get on that.

The PTA ladies know and see all, I swear. I knew about the upcoming Valentine’s day classroom parties before my son’s teacher. She emailed me to ask about another upcoming event and whether or not it was a go or no-go. This shit is a lot of work but it’s worth it. So much to do. Am working hard not to get sucked in to volunteering every time, as there is so much help needed.

Unrelated randoms:

I worked out really hard at lunch, but only for about 25 minutes. Non-stop. This is great stress relief and enables me to sit all day long. But I got a charley horse at the PTA meeting, and had to contort into a weird position to get it to stop.

I am trying to figure out enormously complicated tax crap, not for 2014 taxes but for how taxes will look going forward. This is bad and does not bode well. Thinking about this today gave me a very, very bad headache, which is only now starting to be alleviated. I am very smart about certain things, somewhat smart about other things, and feel completely helpless and stabby about still other things. Taxes are in the latter category. These are things I DO NOT KNOW ABOUT and DO NOT WANT TO LEARN ABOUT. Like the Civil War or naming all the presidents. Tax is in that bucket for me. So is home repair. I would rather cook a thousand lasagne dinners than try to deal with what to do with the hole a nail leaves in the wall.

In some aspects, after six months, I am finally doing better about some things at work. Sometimes I write something for a client and they approve it immediately with few or no changes. This did not happen at all at first. And it doesn’t happen all the time now. But when it does, it’s a notch gone from the pile of stress.

I finished a book (Dave Eggers’ “The Circle”). A good one. Which is an accomplishment. Also my son got the best behavior award today in his class. He was so excited about the yogurt parfait I made him for breakfast that he did a little Snoopy dance when he took it out in before-care this morning at drop-off. That’s a win.

I have a whole scene for Dark Room (theater workshop thing I do once a month) that’s in my head, and no time to get it out. Sometimes I really wish I didn’t have to work all day and could use those productive hours for writing all the shit that’s in my head. But Visa and Master Card are not down with that idea as a repayment plan.

I should be getting a new phone any day now, I’ve been notified it’s On Its Way and that my Plan Has Changed. It’s changed, all right. Cheaper monthly fee and way, way more of what I need and less of what I don’t need. This took about eleventy billion hours in online chat and telephone calls to achieve, but I got it done. Also on its way and set to arrive any day: new workout pants in a smaller size than I’ve worn in probably 11 or 12 years, purchased with a gift card from a dear friend. These are good things.

I am determined to figure out a way to make a bunch more money, which I desperately need as I look at how much summer camp is going to cost. I am also determined to make that money from writing somehow. How these marry up should prove interesting.

I sometimes get lovely notes from people about this blog, and the things I write. I hear people say how they admire me for being so open about my life’s struggles, or that something I wrote made them laugh, smile or cry. Or feel they know me better, or that we have a connection about something that others don’t know about. Or that my writing made them feel I was talking to them, like I threw them a life line. This, to me, is extremely satisfying, and I am humbled and so pleased. I love connecting with people through this medium. I grew up feeling like my odd way of thinking was WRONG or BAD or DUMB, and it’s really, really nice not to feel like that anymore. Did they come around to my way of thinking? Or do I sound more like them now? Or did we just meet in the middle? I don’t know.

I write to see myself think. Much like when I have a couple of drinks and start singing, it’s mostly just because I like singing and make my friends put up with listening to me. And then they somehow tell me, again and again, what a great singer I am and how much they enjoy it, and I feel like doing more of it. They make requests. They plan for me to sing at things. I am not a stage singer. I should be at a hoot at the Troubadour, with Jackson Browne and James Taylor and Linda Ronstadt, I think, circa about 1968.

To be able to do something that you really like doing and have other people enjoy it is a very big source of joy and contentment.

A sick friend, a pioneer of rock and roll, remains in my heart and mind tonight, an undercurrent running through everything I’m doing, saying, thinking. I’m waiting for the final word like the other shoe that drops, or perhaps a miracle and a message that he’s on the road to recovery. As with most of how I deal with life, I try hard to expect and plan for the worst, so that if I am pleasantly surprised with better than the worst, it’s very enjoyable and I am not as let down. That’s how my mind works, and my heart. I don’t believe in too much, so if you give me more than that, that’s awesome.


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