Lay me down in silence easy to be born again

I know you can’t tell, but there are little green shoots under all that snow and cold. I feel them. I see it in the light, which has changed. When it’s here, it’s brighter, it lasts longer. Spring is coming, my friends, and my heart is warming.

Sometimes a burst of flowers in this “dead of winter” time can be like a beautiful song playing melodically from the vase. I have flowers in my kitchen, and they are filling the cold space in my heart.

I’m planning trips and getting shit done, and it feels great. There’s still so much to do, all the time, but I’m also reminded regularly that I am lucky, even when things are hard and frustrating and cold and frozen, I’m lucky. The boy is finally able to go to a restaurant without it being a complete embarrassment for me, behaviorally. The job I have allows for some much-needed flexibility so that I can actually do some work from home sometimes, instead of slogging in when it’s -25 wind chill. I can buy the food I need, I have love in my life, people who care about me, who value my friendship, who come to me for advice and counsel, who dig my tastes. People who think I’m beautiful and sexy and amazing, which is a nice discovery at 46 years old and in a new chapter of my life. I feel … hopeful. Optimistic, almost. Empowered to tackle my struggles and able to figure out life’s complexities, if I work hard enough at it and am patient enough.

Weaving memories with those who are important to you can be pushed way down on the “to do” list. Gotta take back the library books, do the taxes, pay the bills, follow up on those business leads. Always the writing and editing awaits. Sometimes you just put the computer down and spend a good, long time having really deep conversation instead. Interpreting and discussing a movie. Debating an item in the news. Drinking wine and cooking some food and enjoying just being alive and feeling well is so important. Every day I wake up and am not in pain, I am still thankful, 20 years after having the surgery that removed that pain.

2015 promises a lot more of these moments of joy, I think. I will work to facilitate these opportunities, and make room for them in my life so that I’m not always chasing the to do list. You should, too.

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