Slept like shit last night, much like everyone adjusting to the Daylight Saving Time switch today. My son’s father called me last night, way after D’s bedtime, as D was missing me and couldn’t get to sleep. I tried to remind my boy about our talk about the time change and how that started, with the farmers. And that to adjust, we need to try to get to bed earlier as that wakeup time is going to feel very early when it arrives. To no avail for either of us, but no matter. We will muddle through.
My mind was racing last night. So many ideas about things to write, and little time to do it. Some anxiety and panic over not getting enough done, though progress is happening. Sometimes I feel like working all week is doing nothing but getting in the way of me living the life I want to live, and it’s hard to reconcile that one allows for the other. That the mewling bills and financial pressures require this servitude, which I normally don’t love but don’t completely hate. Right now though, my thoughts are filled with living in the NOW, and what am I getting from this moment, right now? If I get t-boned in the car today, did I make everything really count? Was it worth it? Is there ever enough time with my son? With loved ones and friends? There are so many times when you’re planning to carve out time to see someone, and it almost never happens. Years slip by and you never see people. We answer the siren call of the TV or respond to the tug of the chain around our neck for work, and slog hour after hour of living, but is that really living? I don’t know. And I don’t know how to fix it, how to manage it. Maybe I can’t.
I think wanderlust has taken a firm hold. How I will respond to this remains to be seen. It’s part of the transformative year that 2015 is for me, and I’m just trying to hang on and guide the beast I’m riding so that we don’t careen downhill, trip, and fall ass over teakettle. I wonder where I will go. Lots jumbling around in my brain about this. My son wants me to take him on a plane ride. Must play the lottery.
I made extra coffee this morning and drove out into the once again black morning, thanks to DST. Soon, however, shades of lavender started to appear and then a beautiful, almost completely purple sunrise. As I crossed over the Lorain-Carnegie bridge, I actually said out loud to myself, “wow,” as I saw cranes arching against the backdrop of the rising sun on this chilly but not horribly cold morning, and was glad for the gift of that moment of beauty, and the ability to notice it, experience it, feel and see it. Good music on the radio and the coffee strong, I felt more able to face the day.