Verklempt

Reading about the Germanwings plane crash tragedy today. They still don’t know what happened, a terrible, terrible story. I know that negative ledes entice more readers, but it seems so much of what I read in daily news is so, so awful these days. One horrible thing after another. Not to mention which, when you have extreme flying anxiety and are preparing for a flight in less than a month, news about a big plane crash is not what you want to hear. I’m sick to my stomach already, and I haven’t even started packing.

I get that chances are small, flying is generally safe, blah blah etc. But generally speaking, in my life I work hard to avoid placing myself in situations where unnecessary risk of serious injury or death can be avoided. Sure people CAN parachute safely, or bungee jump or zipline or even ride roller coasters without harm. But as I get older, and particularly since I became a parent nearly six years ago, I find it harder and harder to take unnecessary risk with my physical being.

I can’t say I’ve always felt this way, but when I was younger, most of the risks I took were less directly physically obvious, at least in my immature brain. Trying a bunch of different drugs in varying combinations seems somehow less risky than going up in a plane with a tiny backpack on and hurling yourself out the open door, praying everything goes ok. I mean, if the plane was on fire or something, ok. But otherwise, I’m not jumping out of a plane.

If you love flying (or zip lining, or riding roller coasters, you’ve already decided I’m irrational. I can live with that.

It is, however, a necessary evil to get to a lot of places that are very far away. There are a lot of places in the world I’d love to visit, but the thought (and cost, and time, and and and) of flying to get to them doesn’t fill me with joy. It’s hard to reconcile and leaves me discontented, like looking at my online bank account or calling the city tax agency to see how little I can send them each month to pay off my large, unanticipated tax debt from last year.

When I have stress in other areas of my life, all the other stressors are magnified. Missing my son every day this week? Check. Completely stressed out with deadlines at work? Check. Had to skip the PTA meeting last night just so I could get laundry done as there’s no other time this week to take care of it. At least I got a workout in.

Head down, going in. Much to do.

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