Moving Forward Using All My Breath

This week, my life has been touched by three of my four former fiancees. To say it’s been a bizarre week would be correct, but it’s not a bad bizarre.

The first was the first – fiancee that is, who was visiting Cleveland for a week and catching up with some old friends. I hadn’t seen him in literally more than 23 years. We were young, silly, and didn’t know anything about anything when we were together back in the day, and it was really great to get caught up, have some laughs and say gosh, fill me in on how your life has been. It was long enough ago and so distant that in some ways it was like having dinner with a stranger, and in other ways, an old friend who knows a bunch of your really old secrets. We shared some laughs and caught up on all the people we went to college with – where they are now, what they’re doing, who we’ve lost track of. He’s also a creative/theater person (but not an actor) so we went over different shows we were in back then, since then, and the like. It was really fascinating to compare notes. I almost can’t even remember the person I was back then, she was so different.

And of course the last ex-F, who is also my ex-H, who I talk to daily in texts about our son. I had to call him yesterday because camp called as there was an incident at the pool. A bigger kid smacked into him and he had a horrible nosebleed everywhere, and cut his lip. But at least it wasn’t a fight. One more week and camp is over. Then a dark week, then school starts again. Ex-H booked our sitter this week because she is a teacher and he had some first grade prep work he wanted her to go over with the kid, just to wake his brain up and make sure he’s ready. He didn’t even have any plans, he just went out and grabbed some dinner somewhere and emailed me what he was up to. Our sitter is an elementary teacher in another district, and you know how kids will often listen to a third party like that more than the parents. I thought it was touching he would go out of his way to arrange that for the child, though I know he’s ready. We both really try hard, we just do it in different ways sometimes. And that’s ok.

I exchanged some text messages with another ex-F this week, in the wake of some heated online debate on his facebook page. He was always one to encourage spirited debate, though it doesn’t go over as well on an online forum. He is a person of gestures and inflection and expression, and so much of that is lost in the translation. It got ugly (but not between us), and we touched base with each other to go, boy, that was fun (not), wasn’t it?

This week his fiancee, who he is marrying in a week, invited me to their wedding after-party and to her all-day bachelorette festivities. I can’t go, as I have the kid all week and our time is so short together now that it’s very difficult for me to book a sitter and give up that time when I can usually just book things on nights I don’t have him. But some dates are firm and that’s fine.

I can’t tell you how wonderful it makes me feel inside to feel like I am on such good terms with people I was once very close to such that they would include and invite me to such festivities.

It is a good life. And while it is not perfect, and I don’t have trophies of accomplishments and buckets of cash, I have these things, and those mean a great deal to me. They make me feel like I’m not doing so bad after all. And that there is hope.

Blue moon above, and I am moving forward. I wonder where I will be when the next blue moon arrives, in 2018.

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