Sometimes I feel like I have different personalities and that they’ll never really integrate, just share uncomfortable space together in my body.
Saturday I got to take out actor-me. For many hours. I drew up experience, favors, friendship, love, training and trust in making the evening come together. I warmed up my voice and sang songs to give my little-used (in a professional capacity) sound some life. On stage, I did an enormous amount of talking. I whispered, yelled, cried, sweated, shook, and did my best to be true to the material and to give it the life the writer/director wanted it to have. I was told I did that, and that is great to hear. I thought I’d lose my voice after the performance but miraculously, it’s still here.
After the performance, as I mingled through friends and strangers who complimented me on a job well done, I had a very surreal feeling. Like I was visiting someone I used to be, or living a secret life and this was a time for it to come out. Like being Batman or something, I guess, and nobody else really knows that I’m Batman. It was a very odd night, and not just for the performance. Weather problems in the Midwest affected flights for thousands of travelers, including two who were to come to my show. The actor-me is a rare personality. It was nice for her to be able to come out and play.
I even had a divergent conversation about music that night with a fellow who claims to be able to play every note of every Jimmy Page solo ever recorded, which was obviously something I took him to task about. This ended up being a good and interesting conversation about music, tone, shade and guitar playing in general. It sounds like this guy might actually know what he’s talking about. He has 32 guitars and has been playing for like 30-some years.
I also may have a line on my yacht/champagne bucket list item. So it was a productive night in a lot of ways.
The next morning I picked up my son, and the Mom-me appeared. We went grocery shopping for the Thanksgiving feast, went to the pool, did some errands. I gave him math problems to do when he didn’t know that’s what I was doing, I helped him take a shower, and got a rare chance to have extended cuddling when he was cold getting out of the pool and didn’t want to move for awhile. I gathered him to me like a giant baby, folding him into me and looking around at all I was lucky to have – this pool, the ability to smell the chlorine, to see the beautiful blue sky outside, to hold this bony child close to me to warm him with all the love I have for him inside me.
I thought increasingly about the run coming up on Thanksgiving day. A run I’m really not ready for, mentally or physically. I will turn my focus towards runner-me in the next 24 hours. I need to be present and ready for this race. My foot is not cooperating much in healing the plantar fasciitis that’s been plaguing me, but once I warm it up, it should be able to make it through.
I’m back to worker bee-me this morning. A conference call with technical problems. Me trying to sound like I know what I’m talking about when talking to some very smart people about a very technical subject.
There are a lot more “me” versions that will surface this week. Right now I’m just trying to get through it, one minute at a time.