And so I breathe

crooked tree

Parting from my son today was hard. He’s been extra crazy lately, and life with him over the last week has been more intense than usual, which makes me miss him more than ever when he goes.

His father is like a stranger to me. It’s like someone I barely know picking up my son, taking him away, up the stairs in my apartment building, the boy calling, “Love you, Mom” over his shoulder without looking. And then he is gone. Silent for the next week, almost as if he doesn’t exist, and I go on about the business of just being me and not “Mom.” I can call, but he hates talking on the phone. He’s graduated to rudimentary emails. I can email his Dad and have him show D the email, and D will type a basic one back. But it’s not the same as his little bones beside me on the couch as we watch some terrible TV show he likes, or helping him with his math at the dinner table. This morning over breakfast we watched a muppets parody song where Kermit sang “Baby Got Back” but instead the whole thing was about pigs and Miss Piggy. We got up in the kitchen and we were both jamming. He gets this super serious look when he dances, like he’s really trying hard to bust a move. He’s going to be a ladykiller if he learns to control that body. Women love men who can (and do) dance with them, and if they’re good, so much the better.

This coming week I will get to see him one night, at least. There is a holiday event at school so we are all three going to that, and then I am bringing him home for an overnight because his Dad has to be at work too early for him to be able to do drop off the next day.

I get a break financially without D as well, which is some relief. Feeding the kid is so expensive. I have to buy things I can pack for breakfast and lunch five days a week, plus two snacks a day for school, then at night he eats a huge dinner and then usually dessert and even with dessert and a good dinner, wants a snack an hour or so later. I can buy and consume a lot less when he’s not here, though the alcohol consumption budget tends to go up when he’s not here.

I went out for a long run today, which I like to do when I can after he goes, to break up the guilt and bad, empty feelings. The weird warm weather was with us here in Cleveland another day today, breaking some records. The patio door is open again tonight, though I see by the forecast it will be in the 30s and snowing on Friday, like it’s supposed to be. I’ve loved this weird, unusual kiss from early fall that’s visited. It wasn’t like summer at all, even though it was very warm. The sky was “coal gray” per the song. There were birds chirping and animals everywhere and the bugs came back out, but it’s been a full bank of clouds all weekend long, giving the warm, bare woods a weird color and the earth a strange vibe I haven’t yet figured out how to interpret. Or maybe I just feel unsettled.

My plantar fasciitis continues to be bad so runs are down to once a week.  I’ve not done the proper work to get it to really go away. I’m just ignoring it. My asthma is becoming a real problem; outside of the physical problems I battle, which are thankfully now relatively minor, the lungs are my real barrier to running any further or faster. I’m halfway through a four-month wait to see a specialist but called and pushed so I’m getting in with a resident in a couple of weeks. The first couple of miles are a real struggle, but then things open up a little. But despite lungs, foot, weak and sore hips, I managed to get close to 6 miles in. My metabolism stays on fire all day after a run like this, my cheeks red like I fell asleep in the sun. It’s a feeling I like.

I’m as panicked as I’ve ever been about money. It’s freaking me out and making me desperate. When I get desperate, I don’t always think or act rationally. But that can also drive me if I channel it the right way so I am looking for that path. I’m going to try to pick up some babysitting work from friends. I don’t know what else to do to generate more income and cutting expenses isn’t really possible. I applied for some freelance writing stuff from a website that hooks up freelancers and jobs but there are dozens of people bidding on this stuff and most of them don’t have an 8-5 FT job and availability of only every other week in the evenings, so doubt I will get anything there. I’ve been on the site for like two years and have never landed anything. But I have to keep trying, for my son. If not for him, I would probably give up and go live on a commune or something.

I will try to go outside and see the meteor shower tonight but doubt anything will be visible. But if I see a shooting star, you bet I’m wishing on it. I need all the luck I can get.

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