I could leave today

tower

Wrote and submitted not one but two pieces last night. It’s part of my master plan to bombard every paying publication and website that’s accepting submissions with content in an attempt to get more work published (and make more money). If you throw enough spaghetti on the wall, eventually some of it will stick.

Tonight I have to wrap all the boy’s presents – those from me, those from Santa. Tomorrow, my Mom is taking me out to buy me a new bag to carry to work. I carry a black tote bag every day, but I also carry a second bag that holds my lunch and my workout clothes, in case I actually have time and energy at lunch to work out (which is rare, but does occasionally happen). The one I’ve been using can best be described as “homeless chic” and so this will be Mom’s Christmas gift to me. It will be the first time I’ve been out in a store shopping for anything other than groceries in I don’t know how long. I like shopping and kind of miss it sometimes, but I don’t have the money to buy much, and what I do need to buy is mostly done online since I don’t have a lot of free time either. After shopping, we will watch Elf, which we do every year. She and I went to see it in the movie theater the year it came out and laughed so hysterically that people thought we were crazy.

We’re trying to plan a menu for a Christmas meal. I wanted to make zelnik but we aren’t sure either of us is up for it and it’s a two-person job. You have to make your own phyllo, of course, so it’s labor intensive. We’ll talk about it tomorrow. I may get inspired. Today I’m just kind of down in the dumps.

The Cleveland winter gray is setting in. It’s dark where I work. I have a sort of skylight above me, which is covered by some draping, but it’s been pretty dark though we did have a nice burst of sun yesterday. Today’s picture is part of my work building; I took it yesterday so yes, we do get sun in the winter. I try to get outside more during the day when it turns cold, to get the only light that we do receive, instead of just sitting in front of my light box at work and hoping that will chase away the blues. I’m hoping to get the energy together for a lunchtime run today. But once it turns gray my thoughts really turn to fleeing here, to finding some way to take my son and move away somewhere where it doesn’t get so hard and cold and mean and gray and lonely.

I love Cleveland so much. I love my friends and the few nearby family members I have. The memories I’ve made, my son’s school, the ability to carve out a living in what can be a tough town, it makes me feel tough myself. And also like I’ve accomplished something, since I got out of the very tiny town I grew up in and live in a decent sized urban area. But damn if this cold and gray doesn’t activate a battle between my loneliness and desire to shut myself in and never leave, versus an urgent wanderlust.

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