What I need


Today started out rough, and was exhausting, but it got a lot better.

My ear has been burning and itchy for a couple of days, so I went off to urgent care when it opened this morning. It became clear I was going to have to wait awhile, which I expected (and brought a book which I could not read, more on that momentarily), and then became clearer that “a while” would mean too late to pick up my son on time, so I texted his Dad I would be late, and why, and would keep him informed. Turns out I have a sinus infection, again, which I believe I’ve had for weeks. I’m in no hurry to take the antibiotics, they always make me sick and so I’m going to wait until after Christmas so I can enjoy the meal I’m planning with my Mom.

I was really tired. I didn’t sleep well last night. I awoke at 1:30, wide awake, and couldn’t get back to sleep as my thoughts swirled and prevented me from returning to slumber. So at the urgent care, I wanted to just relax and not touch anything germy and read a book while I waited, but they had the goddamned news on the requisite TV and it was BLARING at a very loud volume. There were only about 10 of us waiting, including someone with a little kid and another parent with a teenager; the rest were adults. Most were sitting looking at their phones but some were trying to have a conversation or just sit peacefully in their misery and wait but Trump yelled on and on in the background. It really, really sounded like a Hitler speech and after about 20 minutes of it, I got up and said rather loudly, “Is anyone else really tired of hearing this? I mean, why do we have to listen to this?” I was clearly addressing everyone but they didn’t know if I was unhinged or what. “I just think, you know,” I continued, “That no matter what your political beliefs, we shouldn’t have to sit and listen to this. I mean, there are little kids here, and he’s saying some very dangerous and insulting things and I don’t think this should be on the TV. Remember when we used to just be able to listen to some Christmas Carols this time of year, or sit in BLESSED PEACE while we wait?” Some people nodded, others ignored me. The teenaged girl said, “It’s indoctrination. I get it at my school all the time and I’m sick of it, too.” The parent of the little kid piped in, “There really has to be something else we can watch.” The teen went to the counter and said, “Can’t you turn on the Disney channel or something?” “Yes, something else, anything, other than this,” I said. Bernie Sanders had come on by now, and he was also frothing and stomping and carrying on. I don’t care who is frothing anymore, I don’t want to hear the fucking shit and I can’t even sit in peace and read a fucking BOOK anywhere anymore, and I had had it. The office people tried to use the remote to change the channel but it wasn’t working. They sat in their fishbowl cube pressing and pressing and pressing the button. Dope-like, one girl came out of the room and stood in front of the God-like TV in it’s holy overhead stand, pressing and pressing and pressing the button as if the remote suddenly might decide to work even though it clearly had given up the ghost. “Perhaps you could just UNPLUG IT,” I suggested curtly. She got up on a chair and pointed the remote right at the front of the TV, which also did nothing. Then she messed around with the buttons on the side until she finally found an old fashioned way to change the channel, and put it on the Travel Channel. It was still too loud to read, but at least nobody was screaming about ISIS anymore.

So yeah, it wasn’t the best start, but I was only about 45 minutes late to pick up D. He was reluctant to leave and kind of cross, and he threw a little fit in the back seat and I couldn’t help but start laughing because he reminded me of the Tasmanian Devil, and then he started laughing and we sort of found our rhythm again, which is hard to get back right away after the week away at his Dad’s.

We went to the grocery, which he likes because there is a daycare there where he can play video games, and which I like because there is a daycare there, and a bar, and I can drink wine while I shop, which is exactly what I did.

We came home and I made us some lunch. Then we made cookies, which he really helped with a lot, and after we ate too many cookies, we went out for a hike at Lake Issac, which is beautiful and dark and small and full of cool stuff to look at the gray winter light, like deer and weeds and pine trees that happen to have a real ornament hung on them. We sang a few Christmas songs and raced each other twice on the bridge – he’s really close to edging me out on sprinting, but I still conquer him easily on stamina. We talked about running and track and endurance and how I’ll get him into track & field when he is older, and what events I used to do, and how it’s different than the running I do now.

After the hike, I drove the recycling down to Strongsville to dump it and D fell asleep in the car. I reach back sometimes when I am driving, with my R hand, and hold his little leg at the ankle, which I did right before he fell asleep. When I reach back, he places his leg in my hand. It’s a long-lost connection and I know he doesn’t remember how it started, but when I used to carry him on my back in the Ergo carrier, since I couldn’t see him, I would always reach back with one hand and hold on to his little foot to make him feel secure. Then as he got longer and taller, it graduated to his ankle and then his lower calf. This is our way of reconnecting even though I know he doesn’t remember the Ergo, but I still like it.

At home, I cleaned up the kitchen, then made dinner for us and cleaned it all up again. Man, the endless dishes.

Ran four miles yesterday and 2.5 the day before so my foot is pretty angry. I really need to get back to yoga, lifting and more dedicated cross-training. Perhaps this week. Solstice Tuesday you know, and full moon on Christmas night. Should be … interesting.




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