Something’s getting in the way


[pictured: my son’s homemade diary cover]

Obstacles in my way, already, on only the 9th day of this new year.

I was churning along in my online class (about the development of sound and use of light in historical Hollywood) until I came to a required movie to view that was not available on Youtube. I requested it, and all the others for the remainder of the course, which are also not available online, from the library, but they are only now beginning to dwindle in. I am halfway through Errol Flynn’s Robin Hood, which is two lessons ahead than where I am. I decided to just watch everything whenever the movies come in and then go back and do the lectures and quizzes after each. But now everything is out of order…and the class is now closed.

But the next cycle opens up on 2/2. So I am tweaking the goal, not giving up. I will still do it. I will still get it done. But I will try to get all the movies in and watched before the next session starts, if possible. I signed up for the class when it was apparently almost over, so I was behind the 8 ball to begin with. What else is new.

I wrote an article. Pretty decent, I thought. I sent it to a place that said they liked it but were full up on content for the next two weeks when it would be really relevant, and said to keep submitting other stuff as I write it.

So then I submitted it to like 25 other places. With nary so much as a rejection email. This is frustrating as hell. At least tell me to fuck off, you know?

I’m skipping the only opportunity I have to participate in the acting process on a regular basis on Tuesday so I can stay home and watch Obama’s last SOTU address. It’s important to me to see it live when it airs, and so I’m choosing to stay home. I’ve stayed out of and above a lot of the political fray thus far by purposely being busy during every single political debate so far this season, a pattern I plan to continue. The debate process is not going to affect how I vote. So watching it will only rile me up, make me frustrated and angry about something that, for me, is already decided. So I choose not to upset myself that way. But this is an obstacle in the way of any acting this month. I cannot participate in the monthly acting thing the next couple of months because I’ve decided to cut back on hiring the babysitter to save money, and the acting gig falls on my custody weeks the next few times. So that is a hurdle.

My foot continues to be a problem. I still cannot walk without limping unless I am wearing shoes with a lot of arch support, so running is out for the near future. But I have thrown myself into maximizing a workout on the exercise bike, which is in the gym at my job. I have discovered ironically, after years of wearing them for running (lady thigh chafe) that bike shorts are actually TERRIBLE for biking, at least on a stationary bike, at least if you are a woman of a certain age and build. They ride up and then your legs are rubbed raw by the sides of the seat. So leggings for those workouts, which I’m getting better at tolerating. It’s another way. Not the way I thought, but I’m not giving up. Just finding a different path.

I decided to try to participate in the political process by signing up to volunteer to welcome people coming in for the Republican convention in July here. I consider myself sort of an ambassador for Cleveland in many ways. I am one of the “local experts” for Cleveland on Trip Advisor. I am one of the admins of a very active, dense online forum that includes a lot of Q&A for people visiting and relocating to Cleveland. And many of my friends and family know I used to be a meeting planner, and am active and fairly smart about the local food scene, so I get asked a lot about special event spaces, group reservations, dinner recommendations, etc. And so, I thought being an ambassador would be important and a good match for me. Republican money spends here just as well as anyone else’s money, and can attract future large conventions. I would be extremely welcoming, genuinely, and direct them to the best of the town I love. I began to fill out the form … and realized I will have my son all week when they are in town, and so volunteering is out. Another obstacle.

I heard of an apartment for rent that sounded attractive. Where I needed it to be, and bigger and cheaper than what I have. Great! I did more investigating and basically, this would be a terrible place for my kid to live, and not so great for me either. Literally the only advantages are bigger and cheaper, and what we would be losing is a much longer list making it extremely unattractive. And so that isn’t a path I’m going down. I believe there is a reason for that.

I don’t feel defeated, I just feel curious that I am forced to redirect my efforts. Maybe my article sucked. Maybe I should stay home and work more on writing and submitting all the other ideas I have in my head instead of participating in acting.

I think my path is shifting and changing and I can’t see what’s ahead. I am a planner so it’s hard to let go of that control, but I am working on it, and I think I’m doing ok. I think I even like some of it. Is that weird?



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