I been burnin’ my bell, book and candle

I’m right in that time of winter where I’ve lost my motivation to do much of anything but get through it.

There are bright spots, signs of future plans, happy moments. But mostly it just feels like a long, hard slog. These are the days men in the 1960s would take a little bourbon in the coffee in their metal Thermos tucked under their arm on their way to work. The gray windows, smeary and hard to see through to the gray road.

I was in a snowstorm so bad last weekend, I truly, truly did not know how or if I would survive. Hypnotizing snow and traffic only going 5mph, so I didn’t know anymore if I was moving, I was in the car so long and everything was white. Every slight tap on the gas meant a slide. And it was dark on the highway for such long stretches, and I didn’t know where I was and it was terrifying. So cold you’d die if the car wrecked or broke down, waiting for help which could surely not get through in the miles of cars inching along.

But I did make it through, and turned off the highway to go home on some side roads that at least had gas stations and hotels and restaurants, if I had to stop. I made it back and never wanted to leave home again, and several days later, I still don’t want to leave, though I don’t have much choice. One must work, get the groceries, take the kid to school, pick him up. Lather, rinse, repeat. At least what’s left after the storm is pretty.

Things are not always easy as a single parent. There are many, many ways this is better than it was, but there are ways it’s harder and then you still have to deal with that other person forever, and a lot of it is just not fun. I’m not the first or last to deal with these things, to battle snowstorms, to have laundry drudgery and cooking misfires and bad hair days and too many  nights where my joints are sore and the last thing I want to do is work out. I know this will pass.

I’m patient, because what else can I be?

And I know my problems are ones I’d rather have than many others, so I try to keep it in perspective. I have the riches of good friends and lots of love in my life. Not getting much done in the way of my 2016 goals, however. Everything I try doesn’t seem to be working out, at least for now.

The ringing in my ears is a tiny bit louder lately as well, which sucks ass. This likely means I am slightly less able to hear. Hearing going bad prematurely. Eyes going bad pretty much on schedule. Teeth going bad somewhere in between – permanent crown going on in another week.

All I know is this summer, I want to go somewhere HOT. Really, really hot. The last couple of years, it has just not gotten hot enough for me here. I mean go outside and it’s so hot you feel like you’re baking. Instantly dewy with sweat and any activity other than sitting and drinking cool drinks near some body of water, even a pool, makes you more sweaty. I want to work out hard in that heat as it’s coming on into the late morning warmth, swim hard when it gets too hot to bear, eat a wonderful, huge meal of grilled meats and brightly colored veggies, drink too much very cold white wine and then go to bed in a suite with the doors open and a fan blowing across me while I doze under gauzy, lightweight white cotton sheets. I want to get up and go to the balcony with a wrap over my shoulders and order room service French press coffee and a snack of fruit and cheese and maybe a little chocolate, then go walking around until I feel pretty good and over the cobwebs of afternoon nap, then sit in the late afternoon/early evening sun with a book under a light wrap, perhaps with some kind of watermelon smoothie until it’s time for dinner. I want all of this, and so much more.

But for now, I’m just burning my winter candles, doing a lot of reading, trying to carve out some meaning out of all of this and stay sane while I do it.



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