Your only rivers run cold

waterfall edge

I was supposed to go out with a girlfriend last night but she had to cancel. Honestly, I was relieved. I needed to get caught up on everything domestic – dishes that have been sitting for several days, had to cook some chicken before it went bad, fold and put away the laundry that’s been sitting in the basket.

It’s pouring rain here and last night was overcast and gray. It’s unseasonably warm, again, and I sat out on the patio last night with a glass of wine, looking at the bare trees and listening to the birds. Sooner than later, I will not be able to see through those trees to see the beautiful sun setting. But then I’ll be looking at all that wonderful green, so there’s a good trade off.

Keeping extremely busy is a good way not to let loneliness creep in, but it’s also exhausting. I was on the phone with a girlfriend last night who is in the same place. She cleans to keep the ghosts away. I cook, and eat, which is probably not a great thing. But I didn’t really overdo it. I’m trying to stay relatively on track with the renewed focus I’ve found again for working out and have been doing really great with that for a week. Yesterday, a quick, 2-mile run at lunch. Lifted the day before, with the machines at heavy settings. Today will be dumbbell work, if I can escape to the gym again.

Tonight I see the tax guy, which is not going to be fun. Going from claiming your child one year to not being able to claim them the next year is going to be a significant financial hit. I’ve tried to prepare myself mentally for the boom lowering. And I’ll get to claim in him for 2016 when next year’s tax season rolls around, so the pendulum swings both ways.

I miss that little kid. Keeping busy also helps me not to miss him. Or others who are gone from my life.

When I feel emotionally raw, I tend to wall up and isolate myself, and that’s not good. I’m trying to push through and make more of an effort to get in touch with friends, make plans and be social instead of withdrawing.

Clocks change this weekend, and spring officially arrives the following week. So much change. I’m just trying to hang on and not go over the edge.


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