Been Breaking Down

sunset july 28

It’s been a tough week and part of a tough summer marked by betrayal, lies and people putting their foot on the back of my neck professionally and personally. Then the usual shit-fuck of life comes in, with really expensive car repairs, dangerously scary medical problems and people you love dying and it becomes hard to bear.

I tend to get through tough times better with friends and loved ones around, but everyone is understandably very busy living their lives and a lot of of my good friends live far away, which sucks, frankly. After the coup de grâce of bad news Sunday, I actually threw up from my anxiety, twice, and spiraled into a dark hole from which I have yet to emerge.

If not for the little boy…

But he needs me, that kid. Just lost his first tooth. No week is ALL bad, and there were a couple of bright spots, in watching the DNC and finally finishing a five-week online class, just before the deadline.

Good friends tell me you have to just continue, you have to go on, and things will change. I’ve heard this for over a month and a half now, when I found out I’m losing my job (sooner or later, not sure when). I’m waiting.

And so I proceed, much like a robot. Sleep. Wake. Teeth. Coffee. Feed. Drive. Work. Write. Walk. Sleep. I walked about 20 miles this week, and now a toenail is black and painful and falling off. I made an appointment to try to get that tended to, though I couldn’t get in for several weeks. So, that’s the future, I guess. Must look forward and all.I know logically that bad times do not last forever, so I am just plodding on until the earth turns a little more and I see a new path. I’ll just keep walking until then, even if it hurts.

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