I’ve been neglecting my blog, and all my writing, for a short while. Sometimes, the blog is the only thing that helps keep me sane. It’s a place I can write, put down my thoughts, send them out to the universe and know that some people are reading, thinking, hearing me. I accomplished a big writing goal recently and needed to be away from the keyboard at night, especially since I sit in front of one all day at work.
I’ve been drowning, really, and so the blog had to be put aside. When you’re drowning, it takes everything to concentrate on just staying afloat and alive and not dying, so the blog has slowed way down while I focus on that.
I’ve continued to go out and try to capture the sunset as often as possible. It’s getting earlier each night and I almost miss it when my son is with me, as it’s starting to happen right in the middle of trying to get him to sleep. I can keep him up later and have him come out with me to where I go to take the pictures, but then he is keyed up and it takes longer to get him to bed. Or I can slip out once he’s already sleeping, just for a few moments, to run to the top of the hill where I open myself to nature and watch what’s happening. But if he’s somewhere in between, it’s not going to work. So there may be fewer sunset pictures. That’s ok. Maybe I’ll quit when fall officially arrives, print them and put them into an album to see something beautiful that happened this summer, since little else that’s happened this summer has been beautiful.
I’m supposed to run a long (for me) race in a couple of weeks. I don’t know why I signed up for it since it’s a day I have the kid, so I arranged for the sitter to come. There’s little chance I will be able to run the entirety of the race. The last race I did was so unpleasant and difficult, I couldn’t see myself ever doing one again. But I signed up for this months ago and already paid my registration fee, so I have to show up and at least try. I’ve tried to get out and run a few times over the last week to see if I still have any interest and ability in it. My cardiovascular system is not in great shape. But I’m working on it.
What drives me these days is the occasional message from friends. A phone call, a FB message, a thoughtfully placed song or message on my page, a card or package in the mail. People know I am struggling and they are reaching out and saying, “You matter. You are awesome, and you amaze me. Just because I can’t tell you every second, or I am not there to tell you in person, doesn’t mean that you don’t, and I would miss you if you were gone.” These things seem to come in just when I really need them. I truly do have a great group of friends.
I’m going to work a wedding next weekend for extra money. I don’t know how I will manage to be on my feet for 12 hours, but I am determined. I am waiting, patiently, for the determination to bleed into other areas of my life. It has gone, temporarily, and so I exist and move through life and not much else. But I know cognitively this phase will pass, and now know I can survive it. I remind myself how lucky I am to have what I have. I pick things up in my home and feel them, really seeing them and treasuring them. A roasting pan that belonged to my grandmother. A dress my mother gave me. I wear jewelry men and women have given me who once loved me, and I remember what it’s like to feel loved. Crayon-scrawled drawings my son has made. The hard plastic of my computer printer. The smell of chlorine in his and my bathing suits from our recent trip to the pool. I have things. I have friends. I have had love, and will again.