Can’t Stop My Brain

parking lot ice

I’ve been fighting a season-change head cold thing for a week now, and honestly, I’m fucking exhausted.

I’m tired of going to work and having everything be difficult and wrong, tired of getting yelled at and nitpicked, about every assumption being that I did something stupid or made a mistake, even when I didn’t and provide proof that what I wrote or changed was purposeful or is backed up with facts I have to print out and present.

I’m tired of nightmares every night this week. Bizarre, upsetting, twisted visions, leaving me rising feeling exhausted and tormented. One about George W. Bush last night, who I was taking to a play, and I had to go in the back and help the stagehand with something because nobody else knew how. Another about being in the back of an enormous plane so packed with gear you couldn’t see out the windows, and it struggled to reach the right altitude, with lights flickering and bins popping open. It was terrifying and I woke up sick to my stomach.

I’m tired of the emotional upheaval of late, which has drained me and led to some difficult changes I’ve had to make in my life. I’ve made them, but it’s made me more tired.

Two writing rejections this week as well. Nothing in the hopper. Desire to write has left me temporarily. Can barely manage the blog.

I tried hard to live fully today with my kid, to be present and enjoy it. By the end of a long day, he was exhausted, dirty and slightly injured from hard playground play, and my ass hurt from sitting on the ground while he played, being ignored by all the other parents because they don’t speak to me. And because we spent two hours outside, all the homework and projects and permission slips which seem to always not get all the way done during his Dad’s week had to be rushed through while I’m trying to do laundry and prepare food for the coming week. Yes, 2:45 is the answer. Here’s a check for the field trip, and the signed permission form. You have an important test this week. Practice one of the songs for spring concert. Let’s go over this spelling test so you understand what you missed. Write down your reading on the reading log. Describe the plot to me of the book you finished and color in the associated circle on the homework sheet. Cuts bandaged, scrapes cleaned, teeth brushed, too late for a story, sorry, but I always have a hug and thank you for being the best boy you could be today.

There were laughs and memories and there was sunshine and windows down. There has been singing, alone and with others, and music, and dinner with a close friend, raucous times with other friends, and important conversations with yet more friends. But all of this is also tiring, and when you’re fighting a cold, and fighting everything else in your life, fighting to sleep, to eat, to not eat too much, to remember to eat after not eating for 3/4 of a whole day another day, it just creeps and adds stress and I end up feeling as tired as the earth must feel, entertaining several inches of snow two days ago and 78 degree temperatures today.

I took out the trash in shorts and had to walk through a large (but quickly melting, dirty and gray) snow pile to get to the dumpster tonight. And that’s about how I feel; dirty and gray and exhausted.

I know there’s another side to this. There are signs of hope. I am trying to just keep plugging away and hope that it’s brighter on the way down the mountain.

 

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